ChristLight: SHE FAIL, HE FAIL

She Fail, He Fail:
This Thing Called Marriage
A thought process : 30 September 1997

"Sometimes I can say all the wrong words; sometimes I can think of only me;
I know that my pride can hide the tenderness that longs to show I care ...
May I be His love for you; May I lift your eyes toward heaven!
May I come to you and lead you to His light;
May I cry His tears for you; May I be the place that you can run to,
Where you'll hear His voice, and see Him in my eyes, all your life ~
May I be His love!
I want to live my life for His glory, and to hold His word here in my heart,
To let His Spirit fill every part of me, so I'll leave Him everywhere!
May I be His love for you; May I lift your eyes toward heaven!
May I come to you and lead you to His light;
May I cry His tears for you; May I be the place that you can run to,
Where you'll hear His voice, and see Him in my eyes, all your life ~
May I be His love!
And I know that only when I follow Him can I begin to love!
May I cry His tears for you; May I be the place that you can run to,
Where you'll hear His voice, and see Him in my eyes, all your life ~
May I be His love ~ I pray I'll be His love!"

("MAY I BE HIS LOVE", from the album "SOUNDS OF HEAVEN" by Kathy Troccoli.
Words and music by Kathy Troccoli and Madeline Stone)

It occurs to me that the Bible speaks initially (meaning "firstly" here ~ not "more importantly"!) to women when it comes to the basis and foundation for ensuring the success of a happy marriage, and also that in real life, more often than not, it is the woman who first commits to Christ, and the man who follows. The Scriptures back this theory ~ they actually instruct women that they are to win their husbands over to Christianity ~ without a word, ladies, without a word! <ggg>

Complementary to this, husbands are to develop and nurture their wives' spiritual lives, in order that these women can be presented to Christ as a holy offering (quite a task for the men, to ensure that their wayward wives are constantly growing and are pure enough to be an offering fit for the Lord!). But the Scriptures also say that WOMEN are to be the primary role model of behaviour of the Christian in the family! Nowhere does it tell men to win over their wives ~ just to love them, and to develop them.

Does this mean that a man matures spiritually more rapidly than a woman? Not at all. It does mean that the man is to LEAD the way, and to ensure that his wife does not FALL away. Logically, the wife is to FOLLOW the leader ("submit"). The man is entrusted with the protection of the wife, not only physically and emotionally, but spiritually. He is to stand in the gap for her, to pray for her, to hedge her about, to protect her spiritually. Why? Because she is to present, through her behaviour, an example that others ~ especially within her own family ~ will follow, and through her example others will become inspired to turn to God.

What an immense sacred commission for her! ~ And what an immense sacred commission for HIM!

This demonstrates the "Circle of Love" that exists throughout ... God so loved the world that He gave Jesus, who so loved the world that He gave His life, that the world might so love Him that they would show His love to others, that others might come to love Him, and so EXPERIENCE being loved by Him, because God so loved the world ...

So too in a marriage the Circle of Love exists. The woman is to be the presentation example of Christ's meek and gentle spirit, His servanthood, His patience, His understanding, His unconditional love. The man is instructed to protect and nurture this ~ because if he fails, she fails. But likewise, if SHE fails, HE fails!

What an awesome thought! The implications for the necessary interdependence of a married couple are staggering! Just as each of the sexes is responsible for the creation of the other (Eve from Adam's rib, and man born from woman), each is responsible for the other's spiritual commitment and continuance.

Each partner is also responsible for the other's physical and material well-being. Man is the bread-WINNER, and ensures that his wife has a home and food and clothing. Woman is the bread-MAKER, and ensures that the man's financial resources are correctly implemented to live within his budget, and to provide prepared food and clothing for him. She is the Helper. He is the Helped.

Helped to do what? To tend the Garden! He provides the money, she provides the responsible implementation of that money. If he fails, she fails. If she fails, he fails.

What about the emotions? Again, the Bible says it all. What does a woman need and want and desire more than anything? Her husband's love! (Genesis ~ it started right at the beginning!) What does a man HAVE to do if he is living by God's instruction? Provide that love! What does a happy wife automatically do then? She loves right back, and lovingly submits to him.

Somehow it's easier for a woman, in most instances, to show her love in ways that her husband experiences the feeling of that love. Therefore God makes this a commandment for the man, so that he doesn't forget the most important need of his wife while rushing out there to spear that mammoth for the dinner table ...

Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave His life for her! Husbands, if you fail to make your wives feel cherished, you can expect to stop getting cookies and love-letters in your lunch box pretty soon.

On the other hand, wives, you are the Helper of your husband, created specifically to help Adam ~ and what does the Bible over and over tell the woman to do in marriage? ~ Submit!

Submit. That sadly so-often misconstrued, misunderstood word. How does your husband most need your help? Through your submissive love, not through argument and dissention. The more respect and reverence and love you give him, the more inclined he will be to love you back openly and unreservedly. There's that circle again. He fails, she fails. She fails, he fails. God has given husbands an awesome position over their wives. He even states that if a woman makes a vow unto God, her husband has the power to make even that oath void! The Lord allows a man to come between his wife ~ or daughter ~ and God Himself! If God so honours our husbands, ladies, we have no choice but to follow His lead.

Why should women, in this "enlightened" (!) day and age, submit themselves ~ give themselves entirely and wholly ~ to the will of their husbands, in everything? Simply because Christ wills it, and because we love Christ (and we know that everything He wills, He only wills because He knows that in the long run it's for our good and happiness!). Even the scriptures tell women to do this "as a service to the Lord". If we try in our own strength to submit for any other reason ~ because we think we should, because we think that if we do he'll love us more, because if we do we preserve peace in the home, because if we do we can pat ourselves on the backs ~ we are doomed to fail.

If we truly love the Lord, we submit in love for HIM! When we submit to our husbands, even when they are wrong, we are DIRECTLY submitting to God, and pleasing Him. Likewise when a husband chooses to love (and display that love to) his wife in spite of their marital problems, or despite the allure of another woman, or despite his weariness, or despite his own perhaps inhibited nature ~ he too is directly submitting to God.

And when it gets right down to it, stepping out of or refusing to do God's will is, purely and simply ... sin. And the wages of sin are death ~ to your happiness, to your marriage, and to your soul and spirit, both here and in the afterlife.

God gives us rules because He knows what makes us happy far better than we do, and because He loves us. Do we love Him enough to honour that?

"With my whole heart have I sought You, inquiring for and of You and yearning for You; O let me not wander or step aside [either in ignorance or willfully] from Your commandments. Your word have I laid up in my heart, that I might not sin against You." (Psalm 119:10,11)

How the Scriptures put it (from the
Amplified Bible, for clarity of original meaning)

Now the Lord God said, It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper meet (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him. (Gen 2:18).

Yet your desire and craving will be for your husband, and he will rule over you. (Gen 3:16b)

But if her husband refuses to allow her [to keep her vow or pledge] on the day that he hears of it, then he shall make void and annul her vow which is upon her and the rash utterance of her lips by which she bound herself, and the Lord will forgive her. (Numbers 30:8)

And did not God make [you and your wife] one [flesh]? Did not One make you and preserve your spirit alive? And why [did God make you two] one? Because He sought a godly offspring [from your union]. Therefore take heed to yourselves, and let no one deal treacherously and be faithless to the wife of his youth. For the Lord, the God of Israel, says : I hate divorce and marital separation and him who covers his garment [his wife] with violence. Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit [that it may be controlled by My Spirit], that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly [with your marriage mate].
(Malachi 2:25-16)

And said, For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be united firmly (joined inseparably) to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but on flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder (separate). They said to Him, Why then did Moses command [us] to give a certificate of divorce and thus to dismiss and repudiate a wife? He said to them, Because of the hardness (stubbornness and perversity) of your hearts Moses permitted you to dismiss and repudiate and divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been so [ordained]. (Matthew 19:5-8)

But then what benefit (return) did you get from the things of which you are now ashamed? [None] for the end of those things is death. But now since you have been set free from sin and have become the slaves of God, you have your present reward in holiness and its end is eternal life. For the wages which sin pays is death, but the [bountiful] free gift of God is eternal life through (in union with) Jesus Christ our Lord. (Romans 6:21-23)

Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ) the Messiah, the Anointed One). Wives, be subject (be submissive and adapt yourselves) to your own husbands as [a service] to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife as Christ is the Head of the church, Himself the Savior of [His] body. As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands. (Ephesians 5:21-24 - emphasis mine)

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word, That He might present the church to Himself in glorious splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such things [that she might be holy and faultless]. Even so husbands should love their wives as [being in a sense] their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and carefully protects and cherishes it, as Christ does the church, because we are members (parts) of His body. (Ephesians 5:25-30)

However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly]. (Ephesians 5:33)

Wives, be subject to your husbands [subordinate and adapt yourselves to them], as is right and fitting and your proper duty in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives [be affectionate and sympathetic with them] and do not be harsh or bitter or resentful towards them. (Colossians 3:18-19)

In like manner(like unto what? - to the preceding verses regarding Christ's longsuffering and loving patience for our sakes!),you married women, be submissive to your own husbands [subordinate yourselves as being secondary to and dependent on them, and adapt yourselves to them], so that even if any do not obey the Word [of God], they may be won over not by discussion by by the [godly] lives of their wives, When they observe the pure and modest way in which you conduct yourselves, together with your reverence [for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him - to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband]. (1 Peter 3:1-2)

In the same way you married men should live considerately with [your wives], with an intelligent recognition [of the marriage relation], honoring the woman as [physically] the weaker, but [realizing that you] are joint heirs of the grace (God's unmerited favor) of life, in order that your prayers may not be hindered and cut off. [Otherwise you cannot pray effectively.] Finally, all [of you] should be of one and the same mind [united in spirit], sympathizing [with one another], loving [each other] as brethren [of one household], compassionate and courteous (tenderhearted and humble. Never return evil for evil or insult for insult (scolding, tongue-lashing, berating), but on the contrary blessing [praying for their welfare, happiness, and protection, and truly pitying and loving them]. For know that to this you have been called, that you may yourselves inherit a blessing [from God - that you may obtain a blessing as heirs, bringing welfare and happiness and protection]. (1 Peter 7-9)

I wonder how many husbands and wives
Will cry themselves to sleep tonight
Wishing for the world that they could just reach out across the bed
And hold each other the way they used to do
And whisper sleepy I love you's ...
Oh but most just turn out the lights
And let it go unsaid.
And how many love songs never get sung?
How many sweet thoughts die on the tip of the tongue,
Victims of Unspoken Love?
In his dreams he dances until dawn
But she never even notices he's gone ~
She's lost in a novel somewhere off the southern coast of France.
And in the morning she watches as he pulls away;
He almost turns around, she almost shouts, "Please stay home today!"
Oh but neither takes the chance.
And how many love songs never get sung?
How many sweet thoughts die on the tip of the tongue,
Victims of Unspoken Love?
Victims of Unspoken Love ...

("UNSPOKEN LOVE", from the album "TESTIMONY" by Kim Hill. Written by John Thompson)

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